Often in dharma writings and talks, emotions and mind states such as fear, despair, craving and aversion are given plenty of attention. But how often do you hear about boredom? Although it’s mentioned less frequently, boredom can be a deceptive mind state that easily leads us away from an opportunity to awaken to this moment. I feel inspired to write about this mind state because recently I had an experience that reminded me of how deceptive “boredom” can be and how it can also be a gate into liberation.
One morning recently I hit a creative block in my painting. It had been a long time coming, but it finally came to a head, and I abruptly put down my brush and ended my painting session. Distressed, but not in a mood to face it fully, I headed to the kitchen and made a batch of brownies. Everyone who knows me is aware of my deep love of anything chocolate. But I hadn’t had an unplanned brownie binge like that in a long time. I must say that the brownies were quite good, and I decided to take a long hike at Radnor Lake to atone for the indulgence.
As I got onto the trail I noticed how strongly my mind was caught in the drama of my creative block, separating me completely from my experience of hiking in the woods. This awareness in itself helped me to become a little more present. Yet I encountered an unexpected feeling — boredom; my mental drama seemed more interesting than simply walking quietly along the trail. For a brief moment I was tempted to avert my attention away from the boredom and back to the spinning thoughts. But instead I decided to investigate the boredom.
I have practiced with boredom at long meditation retreats, when the hours and the sitting seemed interminable. Unexamined feelings of boredom can lead to what the Buddha called “sloth and torpor” where our minds become dull and completely inattentive. Is it truly a mind state that is stale and uninteresting, the very essence of something we should ignore or try to change, or is it something more? Often, boredom is a kind of aversion to whatever is happening in this moment, leading us to believe that we need to divert or occupy ourselves with “something else” rather than our present experience.
As I looked into this question as I hiked, paying attention to and experiencing my boredom, my aversion to being present simply vanished. Suddenly any desire to cling to my drama, any feelings of separateness from the moment were gone, replaced by the sounds of the birds singing, the soft ground beneath my feet and a gentle breeze against my skin. There was no longer an “I” apart from the experience of hiking through the woods. The act of paying attention to the boredom, of letting it in, was also the act of letting go into the moment. As one of my favorite dharma teachers, Stephen Levine says, “Letting in is letting go.” With a calmer, less reactive mind, I also gained a few insights into my creative block.
I’ve been thinking about your description of boredom as a “gateway.” and I find I very much agree, particularly with regard to zazen. In fact, my experience is that sitting for more than an hour or two, boredom is not just a possibility, it’s inevitable. I think we actually relish and languish in those other emotions or perceptions you described, just to avoid the boredom; yet the boredom is, I think, the essence of the experience. It is only by giving into this boredom and ceasing to resist it, that we can settle into the present moment.
In fact, I think this is the best description I’ve experienced of why sesshin, as opposed to short daily sitting, is essential, at least to Zen Buddhism; I really can’t speak to the other schools. Anyone’s mind can get them through an hour or two, but by the end of the first day you’ve had to work with the boredom for a while, and give up any pretense about what it is you’re really doing, which is just sitting there facing a wall. And that’s when your real experience begins; hopefully at that point your delusions about enlightenment are gone, and you’re just cramped and bored. Which means you’ve achieved honestly, if nothing else.
Interesting, also, that your example is one of being bored while in a setting that a lot of people would find idyllic, and that you were “escaping” from that into a situation which would normally be seen as less pleasant, a mental block; whereas I’m sure your intention was to achieve the opposite. Which means that your mind consciously sought a state of tension rather than repose. I don’t have an analysis of that; its’ just interesting, and we all do it.
Thanks for a thought-provoking blog.
Lisa – Thanks so much for sharing so openly your experience. It was very helpful to me. It’s also nice for others to know that even a facilitator, such as yourself, goes through these periods of ‘working through by not doing.’
We actually briefly discussed your blog entry at our meditation session last evening.
It is well written, though provoking, and giving.
With thanks,
Tanya Touchstone
Lisa,
Really enjoyed your insights on practicing with boredom. This would make a great article in Buddhadharma magazine or Shambala Sun. Have you ever sent them reflections?
Ajahn Amaro has a phrase “won’t it be great when…” that helps him be present with moments of boredom and waiting. We all hear that inner phrase: Won’t it be great when I’m not standing in this long boring line and I’m actually hearing Bonnie Raitt? Won’t it be great when I’m done with these boring dishes and I can watch the Oscar-winning movie I just rented?
Won’t it be great when Larry quits over-explaining this point?
Thanks for sharing the reflection with the group…
Larry